Fucking Ay

21 year old female. USA. 134lbs and FAT. Madly in love with a soldier. Issues with self image and depression. I dont even know why I'm doing this again... and I pray to God nobody I know finds this. I'm just insecure and frustrated. Allow me to live my pathetic life and be able to vent. I love you all :) <3 I do not promote self harm or eating disorders. I do not have an eating disorder. My bones do not show, and I eat more than 1200 cals a day. This blog is just to vent about my disordered thinking.

I am a disgusting fat fuck, and always will be. I’ve gained so much weight. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed. My gym trainer knows, my nutritionist knows….everybody in the gym knows. My clothes are tight and my stomach looks so fucking huge. I look absolutely disgusting. I am disgusting.

I keep eating bad foods. I am so stupid. 

And angry. 

I want to tear my skin apart. 

I might just do that today. I dont care how I will hide them at the gym or at home, I’ll find a way. 

I wish I had my medication. I’ll be getting more on Monday hopefully. Ugh.

I hate myself so much.


not killing myself is a personal achievement but you cant really brag about that at dinner parties. 

(Source: cervicks, via wellnoshitsherman)

Celexa and Clonazepam side effects

I’ve been taking this medication since wednesday due to my depression and anxiety…. Well…. so far.. I’m not sure if I like it or not..

I feel good mentally, more at ease. But I feel more anxious. I’m trembling and twitchy most of the time, my appetite has decreased a lot (But I am definitely not complaining about that!), I feel somewhat nauseous especially in my stomach, and I have terrible liquid diarrhea everyday (TMI)

I wouldnt mind the side effects if it werent for the diarrhea! I cant go out and eat something without thinking “omg what if I need to go!” 

The good thing is, I’ve lost weight. Food doesnt seem to want to go down and even though I have the anxiety to eat something, I just cant. No food appeals to me. Dont get me wrong, I am still eating healthy and more than 1200 cals a day… but still. My twitchyness is making me type faster too.. not bad. heh. I think im more focused on my school work, but not sure if that has anything to do with the medication. Bleh.

My tummy and diarrhea is the only thing that bothers me. Oh yea, and feeling sleepy and yawning SO MUCH during the day, thanks to the clonazepam. Bleh. Its like im in a daze. I might just take it only at night time cause it helps me fall asleep… but im not sure if my daily anxiety will come back if I do. I called my psychiatrist to seee whats up, hopefully he calls me back soon. 


I went to my psychiatrist yesterday, and it was…weird. I felt so uncomfortable in the waiting room and there was a shit load of people there. What was so sad was the amount of people in the waiting room, as well as actual young kids in their. I was like WTF. Its crazy to see how many young kids actually have problems. And the fact that they need medication? it just seems fucked up..

My psychiatrist barely asked me questions and kept signing papers and shit. Then out of nowhere he prescribed me celexa and clonazepam and then sent me on my merry way. I was shocked to say the least. 

Not complaining about the medication, cause im happy I finally have it. Today is the first day of trying both so lets see how my body reacts to it. I tried the clonazepam last night and did feel a little light headed and woozy, but it was a nice feeling. It ended up fading after 2 hours and I actually fell asleep like a rock. AWESOME.

I highly doubt medication will be the anwser to everything, it wont. But hopefully I wont have bad days ya know? Also, im scared to death that it will lead to weight gain. I hope not.. 


*almost chokes on food* *keeps eating*

(via thirty--twoskinny)


I hate everyone including myself bye

I cant wait till next tuesday. Just one more week till I see the psychiatrist. I cant fucking wait. I dont think I can wait that long. I’m so tired, so done with everything. I’m trying hard to be patient and be more positive but I just cant, its draining and difficult. My anxiety keeps me up at night and eats away at me, I feel so stressed and tired, I feel like I want to cry, but I cant. I cant bother to smile. For what? I’m always in a bad mood. I feel physically sick and uncomfortable. I feel the stress and anxiety and worries and frustration in my forehead and upper face and stomach. I just cant anymore. 

Just. One. More. Week

My anxiety is killing me today. My dads aprazolam didnt help. Maybe cause I took half of a whole at different times, but still. I feel physically sick and I want tp cry but cant and I just dont know what to do with myself.

TotallyLayouts has Tumblr Themes, Twitter Backgrounds, Facebook Covers, Tumblr Music Player and Tumblr Follower Counter