i don’t know why i get so sad at the end of every day. i just want to cry my eyes out right now for no good reason. i feel like today was a waste and i’m not ready to face tomorrow, not ready to watch another wasted day fly by me.
I’ve been super depressed lately and I keep gaining weight. I look so fat and disgusting omg. I want to cry. I can’t stop eating. My anxiety is eating away at me and its like my brain thinks food will male it go away but it doesn’t. I purged twice already but it’s not enough. I feel so fat and ugly. Worthless. Completely stupid. I have no motivation or determination. Its like every other person is better than me and I’m a piece of shit trash.
I think I might go see the university counselor Monday cause I can’t keep going on like this. I keep have suicidal thoughts and I want to rip my skin apart. I was gonna go Friday but I brushed off my feelings like always.
I always think my depression will subside and go away and I’ll be back to normal but I’m always wrong.
I am a disgusting fat fuck, and always will be. I’ve gained so much weight. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed. My gym trainer knows, my nutritionist knows….everybody in the gym knows. My clothes are tight and my stomach looks so fucking huge. I look absolutely disgusting. I am disgusting.
I keep eating bad foods. I am so stupid.
I want to tear my skin apart.
I might just do that today. I dont care how I will hide them at the gym or at home, I’ll find a way.
I wish I had my medication. I’ll be getting more on Monday hopefully. Ugh.
I’ve been taking this medication since wednesday due to my depression and anxiety…. Well…. so far.. I’m not sure if I like it or not..
I feel good mentally, more at ease. But I feel more anxious. I’m trembling and twitchy most of the time, my appetite has decreased a lot (But I am definitely not complaining about that!), I feel somewhat nauseous especially in my stomach, and I have terrible liquid diarrhea everyday (TMI)
I wouldnt mind the side effects if it werent for the diarrhea! I cant go out and eat something without thinking “omg what if I need to go!”
The good thing is, I’ve lost weight. Food doesnt seem to want to go down and even though I have the anxiety to eat something, I just cant. No food appeals to me. Dont get me wrong, I am still eating healthy and more than 1200 cals a day… but still. My twitchyness is making me type faster too.. not bad. heh. I think im more focused on my school work, but not sure if that has anything to do with the medication. Bleh.
My tummy and diarrhea is the only thing that bothers me. Oh yea, and feeling sleepy and yawning SO MUCH during the day, thanks to the clonazepam. Bleh. Its like im in a daze. I might just take it only at night time cause it helps me fall asleep… but im not sure if my daily anxiety will come back if I do. I called my psychiatrist to seee whats up, hopefully he calls me back soon.
I went to my psychiatrist yesterday, and it was…weird. I felt so uncomfortable in the waiting room and there was a shit load of people there. What was so sad was the amount of people in the waiting room, as well as actual young kids in their. I was like WTF. Its crazy to see how many young kids actually have problems. And the fact that they need medication? it just seems fucked up..
My psychiatrist barely asked me questions and kept signing papers and shit. Then out of nowhere he prescribed me celexa and clonazepam and then sent me on my merry way. I was shocked to say the least.
Not complaining about the medication, cause im happy I finally have it. Today is the first day of trying both so lets see how my body reacts to it. I tried the clonazepam last night and did feel a little light headed and woozy, but it was a nice feeling. It ended up fading after 2 hours and I actually fell asleep like a rock. AWESOME.
I highly doubt medication will be the anwser to everything, it wont. But hopefully I wont have bad days ya know? Also, im scared to death that it will lead to weight gain. I hope not..